Broken.

Salam,

I just feel like I am somewhat broken. My whole body could totally agree that I do not deserve happiness. I should put my 100% trust in HIM and how I will get to feel happy one day with someone. But after seeing so many couples and friends starting their families I have this feeling that I would not feel that. I have no idea why I have such idea in my head. Everyone is entitled to their own happiness and I am not giving myself any chance.

Just last week someone decided to want to get to know me. So I just told my friend to tell that guy to just add me on FB. But the thing about it is that, I know deep in my heart I won't entertain him. I am just not into getting to know people online. Plus I don't like it when guys starts to act all caring and all. I mean why would you start caring about me when you don't even know me. I feel so bad for treating that guy in such a cold way. But I just cannot bring myself to be all nice and sweet to a person I don't know. I really hope the guy won't think that I am proud or anything. I have nothing against him I am just not ready.

Then I thought back, God gave me this chance to get to know someone but the way to my heart is close shut. I refused to open it. I guess I do not want to get hurt. Closing it shut for those who are only worthy of it. Either that or I cannot open it again after getting to know the guy of my dreams. I tend to compare him with any guys I meet. Having a guy to constantly remind you of HIM most of the time. Before I sleep, when I am angry, when I am sad, when I am happy and wherever I go basically. I felt like he could be the one. I guess I put my hopes on that guy that I am not willing to give chances to any guy who is not close to how he is. Its been more than a year already. We didn't even go far. It was close to nothing. But those few months really bring me up. He was there at my lowest. But he disappeared. I do not know whether I am angry or sad  that his presence is not felt anymore in my life.

Besides that, I am broken that I cannot bring myself to even look at my camera. Not even touching it. Not even having people mentioning about photography. I just wish I could shut my door on that. I know I have to prove people's words wrong. But that was one big blow in December. It sucks! I am not sure on how to get back up again. I need to either take a long break or just breakaway...Either way I don't know.

I am broken cause I do not know who to truly trust my feelings to. I have close friends and I have best friends but I feel like I tend to shut off from them. I cannot express my true feelings to anyone cause I do not trust anyone so much. I've lost too many friends. I have friends that betrayed my trusts. I only know that there are only a few that are true to me. But I still have a hard time trusting them. I really do. I rather cry alone, in the dark at some corner or just on my prayer mat. Just me and HIM. Pouring my hearts out to him seems right. I wish there is someone's shoulders I could totally cry on.

There's so much falseness in this world. Who are the true people in your life???